Red Barn U-Pick

An end in sight!

Today my hCG level is 71!! I realize it's a little weird to be so excited, but truthfully we just want it all to be over that Israel and I actually high-fived each other when we got the news. I will still have another blood draw next Monday to be sure it's close to 0, then I'm done and can start moving forward. Sadly, I'm still bleeding but hopefully as I get closer to zero that will change.

Happy Autumn!

I thought I would share what we've been up to. I'm not always moping around.

Maggie and Emma enjoy a quiet dinner UNDER the table.Maggie's final game and team picture. Is it horrible of me to be SO grateful it's over?
We took the girls to a great pumpkin patch just outside of town this past weekend. So much fun with this HUGE hay maze.

It was so cool! They had stacks hay everywhere that the kids could climb on.
Running on the maze instead of "through" the maze.
Adorable.
Witch Hat Cupcakes the girls and I made for the Recipe Swap Lunch today.
My friend asked me to bring a dessert to the Halloween party tonight. Israel saw a cake like this and gave me the idea. I thought it was so fun to make and really easy too!
My man the Mobster...
When I couldn't find any decent flapper dresses, I gave up and became a Mobster.
Prohibition Mobsters. Israel made our Tommy guns from cardboard and a money bag from a pillow case.
A festive bunch aren't we?

I promise I'll come out of grumpy mode soon, but it might not be today.

151...

LAME! My hCG is still at 151 after the shot. grr... Can I just be done? I continue to have sporadic stabbing pains on my right side. I'm just going to vent because, well it's my blog and I want to. My Dr. "doesn't know how to interpret that", but apparently every nurse or PA can. I've gotten very thorough explainations from a nurse at another office and from HIS PA, but he can't "interpret" that. Does that make sense to anyone?

Cruel Irony...

After a phone call to a different doctor's office, another hCG level that trickled down and increased pain on one side after activity I decided to go ahead and receive the Methotrexate. At this point there is no way that this is any longer a viable pregnancy and there is an increased chance that this is an ectopic pregnancy. Since this can be life threatening I decided the shot was better than taking a chance.

The doctor called in the order and sent me to the Women's Center at the hospital to receive it from a cancer certified nurse. It's required since it is a heavy duty drug. I was walked to a room to wait by an overly cheerful nurse (bless her clueless heart) and deposited into a room packed with cruel irony. They had me wait in a labor/delivery/recovery room for nearly an hour as I prepared to receive a shot that would end my miscarried pregnancy. I got to spent this hour staring at a labor table and the bassinet that they use to clean up and monitor newborns that I knew I wouldn't be using for some time. Cruel, cruel irony. I should really write them a letter. I thought about asking for a new room, but in the end let it go and started a shopping list for the week.

The shot didn't hurt until it started traveling through my vein. Yowza that stings a bit. Now I'm feeling a bit nauseous and tired, but that's all. Hopefully, it will do what it should and I can start exercising again. I know that will help me feel better.

United in Sisterhood...

I am so blessed to have wonderful sisters. And not just the sisters born into my family, but the many amazing sisters (friends) I have picked up along the way in this life. We all have struggles and those struggles can vary drastically, but sometimes those struggles ring all too familiar and we want to reach out and help. Sometimes, we're not sure how extend that help or what the right things to say are, etc, etc. I count myself lucky to have had sincere and well worded comments of support here on the blog and on Facebook. Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky.

My sister, Lorianne, experienced a sad loss last year and has truly fought this battle seemingly alone. She has finally opened up and is offering some amazing words of counsel for those who may have experienced a loss and for those who would like to extend comfort to them. She has given me permission to include her link. Please take the time to read this. You may bless another as they grieve by doing so.

Insights into Pain

Come back and tell me what you thought.

Questions...

So I had my next hCG level test today. It's only dropped 40 points, the doctor was expecting it to drop by 300 points at least. Since I've been having pain concentrated on one side, he's concerned that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. I had an ultrasound on Friday and it didn't show on that, but I guess that can happen. Next he wants me to have a dose of methotrexate to help dissolve any placental tissue from the uterus/fallopian tube area that could cause harm later. My question is...has anyone taken this drug? Did you experience any side effects? What did your dr. warn you about? My new dr. seems to be the kind of guy that you have to ask EVERY single question you might want an answer to.

Support

You have all been so wonderfully supportive! I really struggled about whether to say anything. I'm still kind of struggling with the fact that on Sunday people will know and they might try to talk to me face to face about it. This blog is a beautiful medium for sharing how I'm feeling without having to actually cry in front of people. I know, I know...but there's a lot to get done on Sundays and I don't really have time to wallow in my self-pity, not with this Primary Program in a few weeks! Now, any other day of the week... :)

I want you to know I am doing o.k....really. Just in physical pain right now that I hope soon passes. I hope you all know that your comments have made me feel so much better and not alone. I'm glad I said something. I think it could have been a lot harder if I'd been left to my own thoughts...so, I guess I'm saying "Thank You" for being such wonderful friends near...and far.

Results

I want to thank all you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. They are felt and appreciated. I also appreciate the optimism of a few of you, but it is not to be this time. My HCG test today showed that my HCG levels have dropped significantly and I continue to constantly cramp and bleed. The doctor wants me to come in on Tuesday for another HCG draw to be sure it has gone to zero. I've had much of my cramping localized on one side and apparently that can indicate a eptopic pregnancy. If the levels are at zero than I guess that's unlikely. Whatever the case, I have miscarried this baby.

It's funny how your emotions kind of go on a little ride. Sometimes I'm totally fine and then other times I'm just really sad. I'm sure that has something to do with the hormones coming and going and the disappointment I feel. I don't quite mourn the loss of a specific child, I think it's more likely I mourn the loss of an opportunity.

I'm not hopeless. If I could get pregnant this time, I can get pregnant again, right?

Mixed Emotions

I've been debating whether or not I should post this. In the end, I've determined that it is what it is and it's part of our family history so thus will be recorded here on my blog.

I'm not sure how many of you have known that we have been hoping to get pregnant since last October. *I'm not getting any younger, ya know* Well, it's been slow going in that department and so we've been trying to be patient and let it happen when it's meant to happen. Recently, in my mind, I've been starting to think that 2 was it for us, that maybe there are no more children who were to enter our family in this way. Not hopeless, just not quite hopeful anymore...if that makes any sense whatsoever.

These past few weeks were tough, emotionally I was all over the place, with loads of responsibilities and Israel gone, I felt overwhelmed, tired and a little crazy. I got to looking at the calendar and realized I was over a week late on my cycle. hmm... no way, but that little nagging feeling got me to take out a leftover pregnancy test. Oh MY! Two lines!! I quickly filled Israel in on the news and made a doctor appointment. They gave me a due date of June 1st and said I could come in the next day to get my records faxed over to their office *I'm switching doctors since the last ones butchered my uterus. You can find part of that story here.* While there I mentioned that I hadn't remembered all the cramping of early pregnancy and I was spotting when I hadn't before. They had me go next door and have an HCG level test to have a baseline, in case they needed it. My levels were in range and told me to come back on Thursday to have a comparison test. Today is Wednesday and this morning I was no longer spotting, but full on bleeding with clotting and am very likely no longer pregnant. I will still have that comparison test tomorrow to verify that the HCG levels have decreased, but I already don't "feel" pregnant anymore. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will understand that strange feeling of being very aware, to feeling quite normal-ish.

I am sad. I am not devistated. But, I am sad and disappointed. I had been carrying worry and concern since I found out I was pregnant that there might be complications due to my uterine issues. So, I guess I'm not completely surprised either, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better. I know Heavenly Father has his own special plan for our family and I'm not sure how this all ties in, but I'm sure it is in some way preparatory for our future.

Long story short...I was pregnant and now I'm not. I'll be sad for a few days, so just be nice and don't expect a lot of me emotionally.

Happy Birthday Magpie!

Fun Maggie Facts:

1. She has many nicknames. Magpie, Maglite, Magg-a-roni & Cheese, Maggie Lyn-guine, etc
2. She is very social and makes friends where ever we are.
3. She can dance like a Rock Star!!
4. She has a very nice singing voice and will have a solo in the Primary Program (requested by the chorister, not me )
5. She is reading on her own and to her little sister.
6. She has a spirit and confidence I hope she will maintain throughout her life!


Here she is blowing out her Birthday candle at her party. I love Emma's face as she watches.

This is my first attempt at a smooth surface cake and also a layered cake. It takes more practice than I expected, but if you don't look too close, it's not too bad.
So, tell me, who else hates goody bags? I have this hate relationship with goody bags. I think it's the very cheap side of me that comes out. I understand that they are expected, but I seriously despise spending a lot of $$ on trinkets that fall apart quickly and annoy parents to no end. This year, I used the Halloween glow necklaces (Tinker Bell's glow, right?) and candy, the end. One year I put together a CD of toddler songs to send home with the kids, maybe I'll do that again next year....

Crazy Party Plans

Here you will find Plan B. Our really cool, really "easy-peasy-nice and cheesy" park party got relocated due to the FREEZING death they call Fall/Winter here in Idaho. (yep, even on Oct 1st!! grr) Any whoooo.... this is what I came up with on short notice to do at our house instead. A fun game of Freeze Dance, Hot Pumpkin (same as Hot Potato), Bubble Gum: Bubble Gum, and a simplified version of Do You Love Your Neighbor all were followed by crazy running around of gobs of 2-9 year olds making all too much fun on their own. *sigh* We did survive and Maggie thought it was fantastic, so I think we're good. The downstairs....not so much...