I've been debating whether or not I should post this. In the end, I've determined that it is what it is and it's part of our family history so thus will be recorded here on my blog.
I'm not sure how many of you have known that we have been hoping to get pregnant since last October. *I'm not getting any younger, ya know* Well, it's been slow going in that department and so we've been trying to be patient and let it happen when it's meant to happen. Recently, in my mind, I've been starting to think that 2 was it for us, that maybe there are no more children who were to enter our family in this way. Not hopeless, just not quite hopeful anymore...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
These past few weeks were tough, emotionally I was all over the place, with loads of responsibilities and Israel gone, I felt overwhelmed, tired and a little crazy. I got to looking at the calendar and realized I was over a week late on my cycle. hmm... no way, but that little nagging feeling got me to take out a leftover pregnancy test. Oh MY! Two lines!! I quickly filled Israel in on the news and made a doctor appointment. They gave me a due date of June 1st and said I could come in the next day to get my records faxed over to their office *I'm switching doctors since the last ones butchered my uterus. You can find part of that story here.* While there I mentioned that I hadn't remembered all the cramping of early pregnancy and I was spotting when I hadn't before. They had me go next door and have an HCG level test to have a baseline, in case they needed it. My levels were in range and told me to come back on Thursday to have a comparison test. Today is Wednesday and this morning I was no longer spotting, but full on bleeding with clotting and am very likely no longer pregnant. I will still have that comparison test tomorrow to verify that the HCG levels have decreased, but I already don't "feel" pregnant anymore. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will understand that strange feeling of being very aware, to feeling quite normal-ish.
I am sad. I am not devistated. But, I am sad and disappointed. I had been carrying worry and concern since I found out I was pregnant that there might be complications due to my uterine issues. So, I guess I'm not completely surprised either, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better. I know Heavenly Father has his own special plan for our family and I'm not sure how this all ties in, but I'm sure it is in some way preparatory for our future.
Long story short...I was pregnant and now I'm not. I'll be sad for a few days, so just be nice and don't expect a lot of me emotionally.
10 comments:
Diane-
I am SO sorry - I can't know exactly how you are feeling right now, but I did have a miscarriage before we had Jordan and I know how hard emotionally they can be. I also know how hard it can be to want a baby and feel like it isn't happening - Jordan and Joseph are over 5 1/2 years apart because I went through a couple of years of health problems (I won't go into detail) but I will say it did eventually happen in the Lord's time. I know that the Lord is mindful of you and blessings WILL come even though right now it may not feel that way.
I'm so sorry Dianne. Try to stay positive and see what they say tomorrow. My sister Julie thought she had lost all her babies because she had bleed like that as well. She ended up having a tear in her uterine wall. It healed and everything went well. I hope everything will be okay for you and Heavenly Father will never give you more than you can handle. I love you and you will be in my prayers and always my heart. Lisa
Diane I am so sorry to hear that! It must be hard having to go through it and I wish we lived closer so I could come over and give you a hug. But I guess I will just have to sends thoughts and prayers your way. If there is anything I can do please let me know. We love you guys!!
ManDee
soo sorry dianne! you are in my thoughts!
I'm so sorry! Just stay close to the Lord and remember that He knows what is best for us. We always grow stronger through our trials. I hope this won't be too rough for you.
I'm sorry Dianne. Miscarriage does a lot of strange things to our emotions. I hope your journey is manageable and that you can feel our love and support.
I'm so sorry! It's a hard thing when one miscarries. I really hope that tomorrow goes well. I had thought I miscarried this year and found out the next day I was wrong, so I'm praying the same happens for you! Stay strong and know that we all love you and are praying for you!
I know it doesn't help, but many of us know how you feel. Hang in there. It gets better. Know that you have many friends that care so much about you and your sweet family.
Oh, I just want you to know I love you.
I have never had to go through what you are going through, but I remember the 11 years between Dalton and Branwyn when I first longed for another child, then decided it just wasn't meant to be. Then when Branwyn came it was in such a "bad" way that it took me a while to see the wisdom behind it.
I just hurt so much for you. I want to be able to take away the hurt or propel you to the place months or years from now when you will be able to look back and say "This is why I had to go through that period in my life"
Oh Dianne, I hate it when life sucks, especially when I see it sucking for people I love! You guys are the best! You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I wish you weren't going through this, you deserve all the best. Not meaning to take away from this one now, but you are most fertile post mis-carriage, we have 8 lbs of baby girl because of that fact, hang in there! p.s. crying really helps a lot, but so does laughing so try to squeeze some of that in to! love ya
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